"Robotech" copyright 1985, Harmony Gold and Tatsunoko Studios.
"Bionic Man" copyright 1974-1978, Harve Bennett Productions.
WARNING! This story contains adult language. I'm saying it now so that you don't yell at me later. XP

"Robotech: The Macross Saga in 20 Minutes or Less"

*A giant spaceship crash lands on an island in the Pacific.*
Humanity: Gee, maybe we should end this global war we're having and go check it out.

*Ten Years Later*
Rick: Whee, look at me! I'm screwing up the inaugural festivities!
Minmei: Rick, I'm being stupid! Save meeeee!
Capt. Gloval: Oh, no, aliens are attacking! I think they want their spaceship back.
Rick: I''ve just found myself unwittingly conscripted into the Army. Zomg, the aliens are all 50 feet tall!


Capt. Gloval: Ah, here we are, safely out just beyond the Moon.
Lisa: Uh, sir...I think that's actually Pluto.
Capt. Gloval: Dammit, I had the map upside down again!

Citizens: Time to rebuild our shattered town...
Minmei: Let's open the restaraunt back up, despite the fact that we have no way whatsoever to replenish our inventory!
Aunt: Ok.
Uncle: Sounds like a plan.

On the other side...
Breetai: Our orders are to get the stolen ship back completely intact. To that effect, I'm sending out the most unstable man in the Zentreadi army.
Khyron: *crushes beer can against forehead* What? You called?

*On Mars*
Lisa: *sets self-destruct mechanism* Ah, now to rejoin my long-lost love...
Rick: *ruins plans*
Khyron: Now, to kill everybody...except I don't.
Lisa: You can kill me, I was about to commit suicide anyway.

*Back on the ship*
Minmei: Oh, Rick, while you were gone, I went and won a beauty pageant, and now I'm a pop star! I'm unofficially dumping you--or am I? tee hee!
Rick: >_<
Lisa: I want to die! *tries to cut wrists*
Claudia: *takes razor away* Knock it off, you crazy cracker!

*Off in Zentreadi Land...*
Khyron: *surrounded by cans of beer* Now...let's see...to get the ship back, we would have to eliminate the micronians. In order to do that, we could perhaps blow up the ship...
Zentreadi Grunt: Um, but sir. Wouldn't that be con--
*Grunt falls down dead*
Khyron: As I was saying...

In the meantime...
Lisa: Despite the fact that I'm mentally unstable, the captain let me go on a reconnisance mission. Oops...crashed the ship.
*Gets captured along with Ben, Max, and Rick*


*Interrogation Time*
Dolza: What the hell is Protoculture?
Rick: Protoculture?
Breetai: Protoculture!
Lisa: Protoculture.
Exedore: Protoculture!
Ben: Proto--wha?
Dolza: Answer me, or Lisa dies!
Lisa: Big deal, I wanna die anyway.

*Back in Prison*
Rick: Hm, we have to find a way to escape the ship. Lisa, kiss me.
Lisa: F*ck off.
*door opens*
Max: I'm Max Sterling and I'm here to rescue you.
Lisa: Aren't you a little short for a stormtroo--err, Zentreadi?
Max: Whatever, just jump in my pocket.

Dolza: Let's do some reconnisance of our own.
Rico, Konda: Yay, we get to be humans!
Humans: Trust us, it's not that great.
Bron: Tell me about it, I have to wear drag.

Khyron: Rahhh, I'm gonna blow up the ship!
Azonia: Not so fast.
*Zentreadi forces pull back*
Capt. Gloval: Zomg, look, Earth! Let's land this bucket o' bolts!
Lisa: Then we can get the military to sign a peace treaty with our killers!
Military Brass: Yeah, right!

*On the Ship*
Gloval: Um, guys? Y'know how we kinda told you that you could go home? Well...you can't.
Citizens: *RIOT*
Lisa: Nice going.
Minmei: Maybe I can sing us out of this one.
Rick: Fat chance.

Kyle: Hi, I'm Lin Kyle. I'm good at acrobatics--most notably, sticking my head up my ass.
Minmei: Oh, Kyle, you're sooo hot! Hey, Rick, I think I'm dumping you.
Rick: Fine, I like Lisa better anyway.
Lisa: Hey, you remind me of my ex-boyfriend Riber....hang on, Riber, I'm coming! *Jumps out window*


Rick: Ow, Lisa, what the hell! You shot me down!
Lisa: Oops, my bad. Hope you're not dead...like my ex.
Rick: *In hospital*

Rick Hunter, pilot. A man barely alive...

Doctor: Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability...to make the world's first Bionic Man.
*Gets a rake for an arm and a bucket for a foot*

*Record Scratch*

Rick: Wow, what a weird dream.

On the other side...
Khyron: I'm about to do something impulsive and stupid...as usual.
Miriya: Cool, so am I.

*Ben dies, Max pwns*

Azonia: ...Apparently, Khyron's not the only one who's nuts.
Miriya: I want to become a micronian, so I can kill the pilot who beat me in battle and resolve my self-esteem issues.

Some time later...
Minmei: I made a movie, and my cousin Kyle's in it too!
Kyle: You're not paying enough attention to the war, stupid liberal media! By the way, come see my new film! I'm awesome! *waves*
Rick: Do you wanna see this pretentious pile of crap, Lisa?
Lisa: Not really, no.
*They walk off*

Much later...
Rick: Ew, is that Minmei and Kyle, going into that hotel together?
Lisa: Wow, for cousins they sure are close.
Rick: Yeah, Alabama-close.

The next day...
Rico: hey, let's all defect and become humans! It'll be awesome!
Konda: Yeah, we'll get to bang Minmei...sort of.
Zentreadi Group: well...ok.
*Ship Invasion*
Zentreadi Group: Wow, we defected for this? Rico, you suck.
Rico: Well, the town's a lot better when it's not destroyed.

Kyle: Stupid liberal media! Paying more attention to Minmei's concert than the war.
*Ship Invasion*
Crowds: *run off*
Kyle: Hey, where are you going? Minmei's not done singing yet! You have to stay for the rest!
Crowds: F*ck you!
*Spotlight falls on Kyle*
Kyle: Thank God I don't have any brains, or I'd have been knocked out!

Miriya: Ah, now I've found you! Raaah! Die, Sterling!
Max: How 'bout we make love, not war?
Miriya: Wait, what?
*They get married*

At the wedding...
Random Guest: Wow, a giant robot-shaped cake. This must be a Japanese wedding.
Miriya: Let's cut the cake...Max.>:)
Max:...give me the knife, Miriya.
Gloval: *sticks foot in mouth*


Guests: Ahhh! Not the aliens! Save us!
Emcee: And save the buffet table too!
DJ: I hope I still get paid for this.

*In Battle*
Miriya: Wait, Max. Don't shoot to kill.
Max: What, so they can live to kill another day? Are you nuts?
Miriya: Fine, then, you're not getting any.

Exedore: Hey, Gloval, let's swap secrets. But first, I'm going to do a really creepy impression of Minmei.
Gloval: *shudders*
Dolza: That's it, I'm wiping you all the hell out.


Gloval: Aw, crap! Four million spaceships! How are we supposed to compete with that??
Exedore: How 'bout you get Minmei to sing one of her crappy songs? If it doesn't make the men horny, then they'll all commit suicide.
Gloval: Good idea.

Meanwhile, on Earth...
Lisa: What the hell am I still doing here? Oh, right...my job.
Lisa's Dad: So, how do you like being demoted to Radar Girl?
Lisa: Oh, go shove it.
Lisa's Dad: Well, unlike those guys on the ship, we have a huge Space Gun to protect us.

*Zentraedi Rain of Death pwns Earth*

Lisa's Dad:...aw, goddammit. *dies*

SDF-1: *somehow manages to blow up Dolza's Space Asteroid*
Gloval: Whew, that's done. Let's land this bucket o' bolts...again.
Claudia: And Canada can't tell you no this time, sir.

*Two years later*
Lisa: *cleaning Rick's apartment* Wow, this sets feminism back a whole century.
Rick: Flowers! I found flowers!
Lisa: I suppose you're going to give them to Minmei...that whore.

Kyle: *drinking* Stupid Military! I hate them all!
Minmei:...you know what, Kyle? Go f*ck yourself.
Kyle:...wait, what?
Minmei: *walks off*

Around the same time...
Miriya: *in labor* Auuggh! I'm gonna kill you, Max!
Doctor: Congratulations, Ms. Sterling. It's a girl.

Max: We just had a baby!
Rick: Wow, out of all the alien species in the galaxy, we get attacked by one with the exact same number of chromosomes. What are the odds?
Lisa: I want to have a baby.
Claudia: I thought you wanted to die.

Later on...
Zentraedi: We're bored. Let's have a riot!
*They destroy Portland*
Humans: Aw, come on! We just rebuilt that! Jerks.
Zentraedi: Oops, our bad.

In Deep space...
Rick: We've been sent to go get a Protoculture sattelite back.
Miriya: There it is!
Max: Roll the tape.
*Claudia starts a tape called "Max and Miriya's Honeymoon XXX"*
*Some time passes*
Sattelite Operator: *finishes throwing up* Jesus, Breetai, you sick bastard! Just take the sattelite and get the hell out of here!
Breetai: Thank you.
*They Leave*

Khyron: Betcha didn't think you'd see me again, didja?
Azonia: Oooh, Khyron, you're soooo hot.
Khyron: I still want to blow up the ship.
Azonia: Whatever you say, stud muffin.

In the city...
Rick: Ok, we'll stick this Zentraedi Re-bigulator tube right here.
Kyle: No you won't.
Rick: Who's gonna stop me?
Kyle: I will.
Rick: Heh, you and what army?
Kyle: *points to citizens of city* Them.
Rick: Arg, alright, fine.
Minmei: Hm, maybe I should stick up for Rick and stand up to Kyle...no, too hard. I'll just stay in the car instead.

Khyron: *steals tube* Woo hoo! Now I can grow myself an army!
*City gets sacked*
Kyle: *actually expresses remorse*
Minmei: Wow, I wish I could have that in writing.

Later still...
Kyle: You're gonna give a concert!
Minmei: I'm gonna give a concert...or not.
Khyron: *busts in and kidnaps both Minmei and Kyle*
Crowds: Oh, crap.

At Khyron's base...
Khyron: Give me the SDF-1 or you'll never see Minmei again!
Gloval: Psh, fine, whatever.
Claudia: Um, isn't she kind of important to our plans?
Rick: *sigh* I'll go bail her out...again.

Khyron: Ok, Minmei, sing and dance!
Minmei: *sings and dances*
Khyron: Ohhh my God, she's so hot! Uh, I mean--Your crappy pop music has no effect on me, Khyron the Destroyer!
Grel: Bullsh*t, Khyron.
Khyron: Shut up, Grel.

Minmei and Kyle: *in captivity*
Khyron: *drinking* 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer....
Azonia: *also drinking*
Grel: *drunk* Hey, let's tease the prisoners.
Khyron: Hey, guys, check this out. *Grabs Azonia and kisses her*
Minmei: ....er, are we supposed to be grossed out by this or something?
Khyron: *starts making out with Azonia*
Kyle: Y'know, I don't think I like where this is going.
Khyron: *starts taking Azonia's clothes off*
Minmei: Eww, 50-foot alien sex! >_<
Khyron: Hey, Grel! Throw Minmei in the Re-bigulator tube so we can have a threesome!
Minmei: O_o
Rick: *busts in and rescues everybody*
Khyron: Dammit!

Some Weeks pass...
Rick: *thinking* Ah...see Minmei in the morning, then be back in time for a date with Lisa. You're awesome, Rick.
Minmei: Hi! I bought you this scarf.
Kyle: *shows up and humiliates Minmei*
Rick: Jerk.
*That evening*
Lisa: ...Where the hell is Rick?
Rick: Hey, baby. How's it going?
Lisa: *sniffs* You smell like Minmei's perfume, you pig.
Rick: *Gets slapped*
Lisa: *Walks off*

Kyle: *dumps Minmei*
Minmei: *moves in with Rick* I'm gonna play housewife!
Rick: Honey, I'm home!
Minmei: *practices writing her name* "Mrs...Hunter."
Rick: Where's dinner?
Minmei: It's on the stove, burnt.

Lisa: I want to kill that damn Minmei! She's always stealing Rick!
Claudia: ...don't you think that's a little drastic?
Lisa: Of course not! I could just sneak up behind her when she's not looking and snap her neck! Quick and easy!
Claudia: ...I don't remember learning how to do that in basic training.
Lisa: *dodgy*...yeah...basic training...right.

Khyron: *attacks city* That's right, b*tches! I got my spaceship fixed!
Lisa: Rick! In case we both die, I love you!
Rick: ....*shoves Minmei aside* I love you too, Lisa!
*They Kiss*

On Khyron's spaceship...
Khyron: *finishes a beer* BURP! I've got it. We'll crash our ship into their ship. It'll be awesome!
Azonia: But Khyron, we'll kill ourselves!
Khyron: Or die trying!

On the SDF-1...
Gloval: Holy crap! They're coming right for us!
Claudia: Duck and cover!
Khyron: At least I won't die a virgiiiiiiin...!
*Ship gets obliterated*
*Dust clears*
Lisa: Oh Rick!
Rick: Oh Lisa!
*They kiss*
Lisa: Where'll we go to now, Rick?
Rick: To the stars, my love, to the stars....
*Cue "My Heart Will Go On"*
*Roll Ending Credits*

*Record Scratch*

Roy: Hey! What about me? Where the hell am I in this story?? What about the part where I yell at Rick for screwing up the Launch Festivities? What about the part where I introduce him to Lisa? What about the part where I get shot down and he gets my plane? And what about Claudia? She was my girlfriend, for cryin' out--
Grel: *kicks him across the room* Shut up, micronian.
Kyle: *now 50 feet tall* hey, you're a pretty cool drinking buddy, Grel.
Grel: Thanks. *belch* By the way, your cousin's hot.

The End 1